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Click EasyEdit to add your favorite Celia quotes (cite episode, if possible).
- ( Isabelle is standing on a scale.) Celia: "You've been sneaking food... Isabelle: "No I haven't, I swear. Celia: "Then congratulations, you must be pregnant."
- "I've got cancer and jungle fever, and tonight one of them's getting cured"
- "That little ****.....I knew I should have had an abortion" (Episode 1.1)
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Here's the thing, I really want to fuck around on Dean but the thought of putting one more **** into my mouth is just too depressing.
"It's a size 2, flattering and annoying all at the same time.
- " I'm sure he's fine! God protects the stupid!"
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These hands went to collage. (to Heylia)
- "Everybody likes Nancy, Everybody hates Celia. Time for everyone to come up with a new narrative. "
- "Well technically, Nancy, ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates."
" Ya, You don't want to be the fattest girl at fat camp this summer. Do You?" (to Isabelle)
- "When you stop being cute and funny and clean at home and start spending your afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, Yeah, you're a piece of s***"
- "Let your freak flag fly."
- "I love Dean, but he has ruined our children! Quinn has asthma. Isabelle has his unfortunate buid. But we all have our crosses to bear..."
- Celia: " I followed Dean here, did you see him?" Nancy: "Yes, I did, they were playing poker." Celia: "Oh,great now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana.Guess thats better than oriental pussy."
- "I was thinking of going bigger.Really big.I mean freak show big.47 triple F's.So large that the other smaller breasts will want to orbit them."
- "Down Maggie, I have Cancer. Im Not Retarded."
- (to Sheriff) "What are you waiting for? Search his car, hit him with your flashlight. Do what you people do."
- (to Heylia and Veneeta) "Where are your owners?... Sorry, the owners of the Store?"
- Marvin: "We just know each other from the grocery store. I'm, I'm a bagger and..." Celia: "Oh, Bullshit! Like there is an obese black bagbay at any market in a thirty mile range of here. In Agrestic, the people are white, and the help is... brown, no black."
- Celia: (Whining) "Have you ever had sex with a woman?" Nancy: "None of your business." Celia: "Oh come on, tell me... Nancy: "Ok, I slept with a woman in college once." Celia: "How was it?" Nancy: "Boring" Celia: "Well maybe you didn't do it right." Nancy: "She said it was the best she'd ever had." Celia: "What are you doing Friday Night?"
- Celia: " I'm very mad at him. He's just not what I thought he'd be, You know?" Heken: "Which was?" Celia: "Rich. Powerful. Faithful. He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole and that makes me Mrs. mid-level asshole."
- Silas: (Referring to Quinn, Celia's doughter) "I Love her." Celia: "You stuck your penis in her. That's not love... believe me."
- Celia: (Referring to how everyone knows her husband cheated on her) "Oh come on Nancy, I know you know. Everyone knows. there's no secrets in this town." Nancy: "Maybe a few." Celia: "No. None. You'er having money problems. Our children has sex. Judy Gordon orders Oxycontin over the internet and had developed quite the habit." Nancy: "Jesus loves you Judy?" Celia: "Jesus loves you Judy" loves her "Hillbilly Heroin," but you didn't hear that from me. I don't like gossip."
- Isabelle: " I love Peggy and she loves me." Celia: "She's a little asian girl- they look like boys already. You might as well go for the real thing. Peggy: "Hey I have boobs." Celia: "Those are not boobs."
- "You can not become a Lesbian just because you don't want to lose weight. The only girl you should be seeing is Jenny Craig."
- " I could Fuck against a wall with my skates on. No easy feat."
- (After boxes of Coca Cola have been dropped from an airplane into Celia's bedroom) " I was toying with a Snapple motife, but God said "Coke!"
- Celia: " Look up" Dean: "What?" Celia: "Look up" Dean: (Looking Up) "Fine. So what." Celia: "There's no roof." Dean: " It's an atrium, Its supposed to bring in light." Celia: "When it's raining Dean, and I'm in the bedroom and I want a cup of tea I have to put on rubber boots so my slippers don't get wet on my way to the kitchen. When the Santa Anna's come over the hill in the afternoon and our neighbours are all outside feeling the wind in their hair, do you know what I do? I open the dining room door, I open the living room door, I then open the bathroom praying that my husband isn't sitting there taking one of his monster shits. I do this so that the air-conditioning can fake the sensation of flowing oxygen into our stuffy, claustrophobic, open-air atriun. A room whare plants come to die. this is the dumbest fucking room ever."
- Celia: "Hey Nancy . This is Urma, the faith healer. She's sniffing me to see if my cancer has spread." Urma: "Would you like me to smell you next?" Nancy: "No, thnks, I was smelled... yesterday." Celia: "This was not my idea. The PTA lady sent her over. Personally I would havepreferred one of those cookies on a stick."
- (Talking to Dean about her new hairstyle) " I'm wearing five hundred bucks worth of human hair extensions from India. Take a sniff, there's a faint curry smell to it."
- Nancy: (Seeing Celia in her Kitchen) "Oh Jesus, you scared me." Celia: "Good. I hope you peed your panties... Where is he?" Nancy: "Who?" Celia: "All right, I guess you have to ask that." ( Imitating Nancy) "Who Celia? The one who called you a durnk at a public assembly or the one whe stole Civic Property?" Nancy: " I have no Idea what you're talking about!" Celia: (Pulling a tape from her bag) " I have silas, on video, stealing." (Nancy takes the tape, throws it, and smashes it with her shoes.) Nancy: " I have no Idea what you're talking about." (Celia pulls a gun from her bag) Nancy: "Oh not today!" Shane: (Coming in the kitchen) "Mum, we're gonna be late" (He sees Celia with the gun, Nancy takes him down with her) Nancy: "Where the hell did you get a gun?" Celia: " I've borrowed it from pen." (Celia shoots in the wall. She's all excited) "Oh my God!" (she's calmed herself) " I only had one bullet, I was gonna shoot Doug. I'll see you at graduation." (She takes her bag and leaves)
- Celia: "Why is it that all you gay men hate women sooo much?" Director: "Because we had mothers like you."
- Celia: "God, how did I get here? What have I done? This is not my life." Dean: "Same as it ever was" (Lines from the Talking Heads)
- Lane: " It's your doughter. She's adsolutely perfect." Celia: "for what?" Lane: "Modelling." Celia: "Okay, well that's just cruel. come on Isabelle. Step away from the crazy person."
- Isabelle: "Mom I want to be a model. Celia: "Get an eating disorder and then we'll talk."
- Celia: (Talking about how long she's been married) "17 Years... How long have you and..." Doug: "Twenty... eight. Twenty two. I'm not good with numbers." Celia: "You're an accountant." Doug: "Different. Those are guys numbers. Years married, that's girl math."
- Dean: " Where we're you?" Celia: "Fucking Doug." Dean: "What the hell did he do now?" Celia: "Me"
- (TO Sullivan) "You know, I hope for Nancy's sake that you used a condom. God forbid, you should ever reproduce."
- Celia: "Is it true what they say? That once a white women's been with a carpenter she never goes back?" Conrad: "Baby once I nail something, It stays nailed."
- "You know, I Read somewhere that killing small animals in the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into Agrestic in a van with blacked out windows.
- Celia: "I want in, I want in on your action, you mean slut, cunt, whore, bitch. Nancy: "You comin' down with turrets Celia?"
- "Oh, a Mexican man with a machine gun. That looks like...a nice pastry
- Heylia: i tried ERT, HRT, and herbals. Celia: vodka and cigarettes, only thing that works for me.
- Vaneeta: i think i seen her on TV isn't she the Huskaroos girl? Heylia: she look a lot thinner in person. you think they pad her? Celia: trust me. they don't pad her.
- Marvin: hey you that crazy b**ch drowned our weed. what the f**k you doin' here? Celia: oh don't worry. i'm on yo side now.
- Celia: Black isn't a color. Isabell: Tell that to black people. Celia: I don't know any.
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Played by: 
Name Dean Hodes 
Name Isabelle Hodes 
Name Quinn Hodes 
Name- Sullivan Groff
Name- Conrad Shepord
Doug Wilson
Name- Nancy Botwin
