| Click EasyEdit to add your favorite Doug quotes (cite episode, if possible).
- "Who let cancer c*nt in here?"
- "Did you try Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated, and then die for again."
- Doug: "How do you ask the woman who makes your kids lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy? How?"
Andy: "I don't like this game anymore." - Doug: "And besides, I'm good at debating. Go ahead, ask me a question."
Dean: "Mr. Wilson, what zoning laws do you plan to enact to combat suburban sprawl?"
Doug: <makes fart noise> "Next question." - "Nancy, trust me, a bakery is impossible to run without drug money."
- "Don't look at me. I'm fucked up on cornbread."
- "At what point does CPR become necrophilia?"
- Andy: "How cool would it be if there was a genie in this hookah?"
Doug: "Not for him. He'd be on fire." - Dean: Tylenol... with codeine. Doug: "OOOOHHHH mememememememememememe!!!"
- "The other shrew in the hardhat that's been sucking his dick."
- "Your wife's enticing snatch has nothing to do with my deep and abiding love for my wife."
- Doug: "Dana won't f*ck anyone...Something about a short cervix and how she might be a lesbian."
Dean: "You have four kids!" Doug: "Whose names could've been Tequila Shots, Snuck-It-In-While-She-Was-Sleeping, Doing-It-For-A-Lexus, and Turkey Baster!"
- (to Celia) "I guess i must have some sort of castrating bitch fetish"
- "Oh, God. Me in prison. I'm way too long for those beds. And the food! There is no sushi in prison, unless you count dick!"
- (About Sulivin) "He promised me golf. He promised me power. Then he bent me over and f***ed me up the a** like an innocent alter boy alone in the vestry after services, lured by the promises of juice and cookies."
- Doug: "Oh, that's from the tall one, Leif Garrett-y, Blue Lagoon-ish."
Nancy: "Silas?"
Doug: "Said you were out of weed, then he took off with a blonde, tiny tits, big cross." Nancy: "Tara?" Doug: "And your other one, big vocab, creepy eyes?" Nancy: "Shane?" Doug: "He's outside with whats-her-name, Celia's dyke." Nancy: "Isabelle?" - (on Celia's election bid) Doug: "Nobody likes your wife, you don't even like her. I could stand up on that podium tomorrow night and take a shit on one of those Make A Wish cancer kids, and people still vote for me. 'Cause they hate your wife...and I'm likable."
Dean: "Now you make me feel bad for Celia." Doug: "Tell her that, maybe she'll f*** you. See, I'm on your side, buddy. Vote for me." - "Shit Highway could be our road to riches."
- (Talking to Nancy) "You know Dean's Boning the tennis girl, She love him long time."
Doug: "Judah was lousy at playing the marker. I mean, a company that sells morning-afrer pills for dogs?" Nance: "You were the one advising him, Doug." Doug: "Okay, that one did not come from me. Clear dentures? Yeah, Me but he went rogue on ArfU 486" (Singing while playing the Banjo) "Oh where there's fire, we'd like to smoke; Oh where there's fire, we'd like to toke; Oh where there's fire, we can all get paid; And if we're lucky, maybe we'll get laid." Nancy: "But most of all, I don't Xerox your license and put it in a State controlled databank." Doug: " What? I'm in a databank?" Nancy: "You sure ane. So when your wives find out and divorce you, They'll get coustody of your children because their overpriced attorneys will be able to prove you're nothing but a bunch of irresponsible pot heads who can't be trusted." Doug: " I'm in a databank?" Dean: "Celia would have a field day with that" (Nancy Nods) Doug: " I - I - I'm up for Council re- election, I can't be linked to any pot clubs. Any of you guys know any good hackers?" Nancy: "Maybe I should save money by firing my accountant." Doug: "Ok, well let's not get carried away. We should brainstorm on this, have some dialog, confab, pow wow." Nancy: "Can't believe I trust you with my money, you're an idiot" Doug: " I'm an idiot... savant. Say what you will about me personally, but I'm a great fuckin' CPA." (To Nancy) "Me no needy more weedy." Doug: (About Iraq) "They had weapons of mass destruction." Andy: "There were no weapons of mass distruction" Doug: " No? Whatever man." (To Andy) " Hey man, you signer for the Reserves on your own free, drunk, horny accord. Your fucked." Andy: "You gotta help me man." Doug: " I will, I will, I'm gonna put one of those yellow, ribbon stickers on my car, for you." Andy: "You want to smoke up?" Doug: " Is the Pope Polish?" Andy: "German" "I'm here to expand my client base, I stand at the back of the class and i say "as an accountant shouldn't you blah blah blah blah blah? Confuses the hell out of everyone. Finally all the students, they just give up and that's when i give them my business card. Minimum fourteen clients guarauteed. How genius is that?" Andy: "How can you be so blindly pro Bush?" Doug: " I like his wife, Laura. Used to buy weed from her at S.M.U. Good shit. Good shit." ( In the medical Marijuana store) "Hey, any more Stephen Hawking? I wanna be wheeled out of here." (On Medical Marijuana) " It's like Amsterdam, only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank House and pretend to be all sad and shit." "Celia seriously, I hate you, and I hope you get hit by a truck." Dean: "There are Mexican things on this menu. Look, look, they have tortilla soup. Doug: " It's a bowl of bullshit with chip scraps. I hate chains." Dean: "What about In-N-Out?" Doug: " In-N-Out is independently owned by religious nuts that put biblical citations on the bottom of the cups. They don't franchise and they use fresh ingredients. they cook with Jesus." Celia: (Talking about how long she's been married) "17 years... How long have you and..." Doug: "Twenty... eight. Twenty two. I'm not good with numbers." Celia: "You're an accountant." Doug: "Different. Those are guys numbers. Years married, that's girl math." Dean: "Wife fucker." Doug: "Career wrecker." (Dean punches Doug in the neck) Doug: "You punched my neck." Dean: "You're freakishly tall." Doug: " I'm also freakishly long so imagine how much of me was inside your wife."
- "You're a know-it-all-y bitchface!!" (To Celia)
- It's time for Doug to rise from the ashes! I must reclaim what's rightfully mine, Andy. And I must fuck his shit up.
As God is my witness, I will get him.
Victory will be mine, Andy.
Dumb name will know my wrath...the wrath of Doug...is coming (just before stealing the cross from Majestic temple)
- "Andy, I smuggled her here. I think that merits some of my cockamole on her faceadilla." (About Mermex)
- "You are so beautiful! You're like a mermaid. A mexican mermaid. A mermex!"
- "Do you suck dick, Silas?" Ha Ha Ha!!!
- "You think you're better than me Botein because your Van has no windows?" (To Andy)
- "You're a fucking downer!... inquisitor, ruiner of days, Child of the apocalypse." (To Shane)
- Shane: "What are you doing here?" Doug: " I'm eatin' cereal." Shane: " I mean, why are you here in our house, Mr. Wilson where's your family?" Doug: "My family left me buddy. My life's a toilet. These cornflakes, they're old, my asshole is on fire, I hate myself...you happy now?"
- "You understand that your mother is satan, right?" (To Isabelle about her mother Celia)
- Andy: "Do you think there's rat spit in here? Like, plague rat spit? Are we Smoking Plague right now??" Doug: " No, no. Fire beats plague. As soon as we lit it up it was safe."
- "Celia! To whom do I owe this horror?"
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Name: Josh Wilson 
Name: Celia Hodes
Name: Dean Hodes
Name: Andy Botwin
Name: Conrad Shepard 
Name: Nancy Botwin
